Life Update: And yet so calmly miserable
I was reading ‘Everything I Know About Love’ four weeks after my big breakdown when I thought I should write a post about… not love, not what I think I know, but life. Dolly, you're a freaking legend and thank you for almost making me pee from laughing on a Virgin train (because I missed my Megabus) to Huddersfield. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. You’re too busy thinking that THAT is how things should be done, and when you stop, you just realise that you’ve spent way too much time going towards the opposite direction. And it’s okay. And sometimes you just keep going. And that’s okay. And you keep lying to yourself. And that’s okay too. This is a pretty nice way to put it: You’re just too busy living and experiencing the life you think you deserve (Yes, 'the perks' influenced me). 2014 was the year I decided to leave my frustrations where they belong, and move to a completely random place. Everything that I loved, cared and knew was left there, and I started my life pretty much from zero. The dream of being alone - which, at the time, meant eating pizza at stupid hours. That was the beginning of everything. I learned the magic behind loneliness as well as running away and distracting myself from my priorities. Even though I’ve started seeing loneliness as my safe place, the constant moving, packing, and short-term commitments - houses - turned my last years way more exhausting that they should ever be. Being a stranger in a place, such as London, still excites me. But more often I find this particular person when I go to the cinema, supermarket and even my local pub. How much of a stranger can you be in a city like this? It was a Monday when everything was on the edge. And I thought ‘Feeling on the Edge’ that month meant having to see all the friends of the guy I used to date a few years ago, wearing the England shirt at Primavera Sound in Barcelona. Joana called me, I just cried and mentioned things that have possibly taken me there ‘It’s okay if you want to stop and come back. We’re always so damn proud of who you became’. Whatever I am feeling, it never crossed my mind to miss a day at work, stop thanking the drivers while crossing the street, stop smiling at strangers who have dogs, and yet I’m so calmly miserable.
It’s been a journey without the so habitual glass, random calls and empty scrolls. It’s been days where the focus is where I am, where I want to be and if my cat still has fleas.
I have been rethinking what I actually need right now and going to a Love Island themed BBQ party just because you want a stranger to tattoo you for free, might not be the right move. Everything sounds good, right? But when that lovely stranger decided to say things like ‘Where do you think I work? Come on. Shoreditch of course’ and ‘I hate hanging out with girls smarter than me’ you quickly start listing the greatest things you could be doing on a Friday night. I ended up chilling at this guy’s hot tub by myself and when my muscles were fully relaxed, I got myself a nice uber home and texted Carlota ‘I am getting a tattoo tomorrow, you’re coming with me’. I have been reading a book a week, which is definitely quite therapeutical. Reading the thoughts of someone, who you’ll probably never meet can magically match what you’re experiencing. Deborah Levy’s book ‘The Cost of Living’ is one of those books that I could quote for the rest of this phase. I read the first page as soon as closed my door and wished Dennis a nice day - as I always do - ‘Sometimes an animal is more consoling than a book’. Simple. I never recognised the effects that Dennis has had on me. I never thought why since I moved here, I never considered living without him and accepting such a commitment. And yet I am still scared and calmly miserable. And this is okay.
Chaos is supposed to be what we most fear but I have come to believe it might be what we most want - Deborah Levy
P.S.: Loneliness has always been a subject that interested me. Olivia Laing wrote an amazing book called ‘Lonely City’ that focuses on every side of loneliness, relating to intimacy, creativity and the bad connotations around it. So well written and appropriate to you, who needs to enjoy your alone time more.